Masculinity & the Ideal Man List…

‘The Secret’, karma, the law of attraction- they’re all basically the same concept, albeit packaged differently and scattered haphazardly throughout the aisles (religion, science…Danoz Direct…) of metaphorical supermarkets in order to reach different audiences: cause and effect, what you put out into the universe is what you will attract, what goes around comes around, and what have you.

Inspired by the act of character in a novel I recently read and in line with the universe’s laws of attraction theory, I wrote my ‘Ideal Man List’ [IML] (I know, I know, don’t even say it- airy fairy hogwash).

What was on the top of my list? Masculinity.

I want a man who knows his way around a car, whose stubble grows back four hours after being shaved, a man with rough, callused hands and a hairy chest, a man who has no idea what an epilator is. Someone closer to chest-pounding Tarzan, capable of hunting and surviving in the wilderness than R-Patz, his overstyled hair and (presumably) too-soft hands, who couldn’t survive the Boxing Day sales in Westfield for fear of having his tiny feet (a little bit of creative license being employed there) being stomped on by an aggressive 12-year old girl.

But it seems I’m going to struggle to stumble upon such a man- they’re a dying breed according to popular opinion.

Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister has deemed modern men as “wimps”, “inadequate” and “the worst in history”- and he has the evidence to prove it. According to his findings, Roman legions completed over one-and-a-half marathons a day– carrying more than half their body weight in equipment. Then there’s the African practice of having to jump your own height to advance to manhood. To make a sweeping generalisation, I’d say the most extreme form of exercise modern men experience is the reach and grab for the remote control, or another bottle from their 6-pack of beer.

Men are inferior to their predecessors. In fact, with every generation, the state of masculinity degenerates further. Can you imagine your grandfather being frightened of a bossy woman? No? Well American research has discovered that a third of modern men are.

The same research also found that the majority of men want to be the sole breadwinner, and their wife to be a full-time mother and homemaker. So is this really a case of masculinity nearing extinction, or a case of repression: women not allowing men to fulfill their traditional male roles? Furthering this train of thought, Mark Simpson suggests that women won’t be women for men anymore, so why should men be men for women?

I feel tremendously confident in placing the blame for women not acting like women on feminists, and their ridiculously moronic ideals and attitudes. What in the world could be better than being looked after by your husband, and having the opportunity to take care of him? Can I present the same thought to you in a different way, perhaps? If a pipe breaks, I don’t wanna fix it. If we need firewood, I don’t wanna chop it. When my husband comes home from work, I want to make him a nice dinner while he puts his feet up. I want to make sure our home is neat and tidy. I’ll vacuum the house, he can mow the lawn.

I don’t want me no ‘S.N.A.G.’ or ‘Metro’ bloke; nowhere on my list did the following appear: employs use of hair product, manscapes, is sensitive, colour-coordinates clothing, is interested in cooking or child-minding…

And whilst I’m on this roll, I wouldn’t go near a man with a ten-foot pole who wore any of the following:

• Skinny jeans: I don’t want to see the size and shape of your Johnson- can’t we leave a little to the imagination?
• Baggy jeans: no, you’re not a black rapper, you don’t look like you’ve got swag, you look like you’ve got a sh*t in your pants. Further, I don’t want to see your underwear! And whilst we’re discussing the matter, why on God’s earth are you wearing a belt when your pants are around your knees?
• Cropped jeans: I’m not even going to start a rant on those ones.
• Shirts with the top button done up: you look so uncomfortable, kind of like a human testicle…
• T-shirts with naked woman/foul slogans: “Read this while I stare at your tits”. No thanks.
• Flat peak caps: it’s the black rapper thing again, isn’t it? And the issue is only exacerbated when they’re being worn backwards; bend it into shape for the love of God, and face it to the front, you know, the way the sun is coming at you from!?

Conversely, jeans or board shorts, a t-shirt, flanno or wife-beater and thongs? Done deal.

No sign of a man just yet. Maybe the laws of attraction take a while to shift into gear.

Any masculine men out there want a woman to dote on them? 😉